You had to go down a set of stairs off of the kitchen to get to our little room in the basement. The bedroom had two army style cots, covered with old blankets and pillows that had seen much better days. The window had no curtains at all, and overlooked a back yard that was just a pile of dirt with a fence, no grass.

But regardless of that, we were both genuinely grateful. Jesse and I knew quite well what it was like to go without. Having a roof over our heads, a warm bed to sleep in, food in our bellies, and no beatings to come home to, felt like absolute heaven! 

Our foster parents were an older couple from Trinidad who had already raised twelve children of their own and housed many more foster kids just like us. Daisy, our foster mom, was warm and kind and made sure we were well fed. Her husband was a quiet retired man who would spend most of his time sitting in a chair by the front door reading a newspaper. There was always family coming and going. It was a house filled with people who loved each other, that was clear to see. And thankfully, some of that love spilled over on us two unwanted boys. 

Jesse had been in many foster homes before this one and was quick to tell me that this was a good one. To know that some kids get “rescued” from abuse only to suffer more of it from strangers still makes me sad. I was lucky to be there, and I knew it. 

The TV room was right beside our bedroom in the basement. The TV was one of those big old classic wooden floor model units. Old shag rug and ugly but comfortable rec room furniture filled the space. When we weren’t hanging out in our bedroom, we were in front of that TV.

Sitting on that shag rug, watching that old TV where you could see every pixel on the screen was where I first saw them. I watched intently as some guy got off a bus while the guitar intro ominously played. Before the music even started you could sense there was danger in the air. Then, out of nowhere, came a wail, like the siren of a banshee. I’d never heard or seen anything like this in my life. I was mesmerized. 

The pounding ethereal rhythm that came from Steven Adlers drums. The absolute untouchable cool of Izzy Stradlin on rhythm guitar. The perfectly defined low end of Duff Mckagan on bass. And the undeniable presence and aura of the lead singer, Axl Rose. He was the poster boy of what a Rock star should look and sound like. He was dangerous and capable, and you knew it just by looking at him. 

But what really did it for me was the man in the top hat, the lead guitar player. He had this cool untouchable vibe. Slash played with the viciousness of an angry punk pissed off at a system that rejected him, and yet the undeniable vulnerability of a child that secretly cared. I could totally relate. I’d never heard a guitarist play with so much raw unfiltered emotion. It spoke to me in a way that only music can when puberty is rearing it’s awkward head. 

It was in that moment I first saw the video for “Welcome To The Jungle” that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what I wanted to do with my life: I wanted to make music!

Jesse James was a prolific thief. It’s not that you couldn’t trust him with your stuff, you could. It was just that as a life long foster kid, he only got the left overs that others didn’t even want. Anything good he wanted, he felt he had to take. And he got real good at taking what he wanted.  Somehow he managed to steal a key that got into the candy machines they had at the entrance of the grocery store. The candy machines looked like crystal balls used by psychics except that they were filled with candy. You put a quarter in and got one turn of the dial and the candy came out. Totally unhygienic, but par for the course in 1989. Jesse and I knew enough not to drain the machines of too much candy or someone would pick up on our scam and shut us down. So we took bits here and there. My jacket pockets were constantly full of candy in those days, which went a long way in helping me make friends. Johnny the candy machine! 

It was there that Jesse and I met two girls coming out who noticed us breaking into the candy machines. We were caught red handed, busted! And like any hot blooded fourteen year old boys trying to impress girls with our juvenile stupidity, we sensibly offered them some of our loot. And to our surprise, they accepted our offer. We felt quite sure at that point we’d impressed them with what a bunch of bad ass outlaws we were. We became quick friends. 

Christmas and New Years had just passed. And even though the foster family had been kind to us and included us in their celebrations, there was an overwhelming sadness we felt together that bonded us as brothers.  We knew we weren’t family. Our own parents didn’t even bother to call us at Christmas, but here we were with perfect strangers taking us into their home and giving us gifts. 

The foster mom gave us both radio Walkman’s with headphones. She really thought we’d love them, so we pretended we did, quietly thanked her, and slipped away to our bedroom to wallow in our sadness. We sat on our beds while we listened quietly as the whole family loudly and happily celebrated together. 

 I recognized the pain in Jesse’s eyes as he laid on his bed and tried out his radio. 

As I sat there, I knew I couldn’t fix my pain, but I could do something about his. I looked around for ideas, and found it staring me straight in the face: 5150 by Van Halen on cassette tape, sitting right there on the dresser! We’d played that album over and over on my old stereo until we should have been sick of it, and I knew he loved that album. 

I was determined this time that Jesse would get more than just the left overs. 

 So I handed it to him and sheepishly said “Merry Christmas Jesse”. 

He kept looking back at me, and then at the tape. With tears welling up in his eyes, he said:

-are you serious?

-yeah

-but this is your favourite tape!?

-it is, and now it’s yours

Jesse jumped up, grabbed me, and gave me a breath stealing hug. I could feel the emotions bubbling up past my ability to control them so I said something sarcastic and acted like it was nothing. But he knew full well it was more than nothing. He knew I’d given him something that meant a lot to me. In those days we had very little, what we treasured we kept close. 

On our Christmas break from school we found ourselves at the house of the candy girls we had met at the grocery store. With her parents off at work, my girl invited me into her room to hangout while Jesse and his girl had took off to go to the mall. 

So there I was, sitting on her bed, our hands gently touching. I was slowly working up the nerve to kiss her. That nervous energy was building in my stomach, the heat of excitement and teenage hormones burned on my face. 

Making the decision to go all in, I made my move. We we’re just inches away from our first kiss when Jesse came bursting in. He stood there out of breath with a smile on his face like he had something big to tell me. 

With annoyance in my voice I said:

-what is it man?

Motioning to the girl beside me, hoping he would get the hint and leave in a hurry,

but he didn’t. 

-I got something for yah

Jesse pulled out a two foot long plastic case with a cassette tape in it. Back in those days the record stores would put tapes in a long hard plastic casing to prevent people from stealing them. 

This time it didn’t work. 

As he ripped apart the plastic casing I could see “Guns N Roses Appetite For Destruction” on the cover. My heart started to pound. As soon as we got it out I asked my girlfriend if I could play it on her stereo, totally forgetting about all the effort I had put in to get her to kiss me. She sweetly agreed and her and I both sat on the bed as we listened to what to me was the rebirth of Rock n Roll. I barely noticed when she looked at me with those pretty eyes, got up off of the bed, and walked out of the room, leaving me there by myself. 

I was again mesmerized. I listened to that album from start to finish, and a million times over since. I never got to kiss or see that sweet girl again. I can’t blame her for not calling me.  I’d fallen in love with someone else; Rock N Roll! And I’d love her forever. 

later that week I came home from school to find Jesse and all his things gone. 

Daisy was in the kitchen when I asked her what had happened:

– he was caught stealing from the mall the other day, do you know anything about that?

– nope

There was no way I’d rat my brother out. Not a chance.  

– his worker and I thought it would be best if he went to another home so as not to be a bad influence on you.

Bad influence on me?! 

If Daisy only knew. 

-where is he, can I have his new number?

-his worker won’t say, she feels it’s best you don’t know. 

The tears came bitterly that day in the late winter of 1989, as I buried my face in that old pillow and cried quietly alone in my room. 

If you see my brother Jesse, tell him I’m looking for him, would you?

Music is the gift I have to give, and it isn’t possible unless there are people to give it to, people like you! Thats what this musical journey for me is all about; sharing my gift with the people who appreciate it. Click here to download my song collection for less than the cost of a coffee!